I broke my daughter's heart today

The title says it all: I broke my daughter's heart today.  I have no excuses

My older two kiddos were awarded scholarships to theater camp this week, at the community theater in the city close to us.  Today one of her teachers has a birthday and my 9-year-old, the Scientist as I started calling her on this blog many moons ago, wanted to make her a birthday card.  She folded a piece of computer paper in half and wrote 'happy birthday ___.'  On the inside she wrote who it was from, and then she was done.

She was so excited to show it to me as we got ready to leave this morning, and when she did I barely looked at it and said "all you did was write happy birthday on a piece of paper?"  Her face....her face...  I ripped her heart out ya'll.  I heart her as no other person could.  I am her mama, I should have praised her generous spirit thinking of someone else; instead I judged her work as not good enough and I hurt my baby.  This is a child that thrives on approval and I cruelly derided her effort.  Why???  Why did I do that???  I am so sorry baby, I am so sorry.

Paul writes somewhere in the new testament that he does what he hates, that which he does not want to do.  I think I can empathize.

I share this with you all to say, I don't know quite honestly.  Maybe to bring my sin to light so I can heal?  Either way, I have a daughter to repent to and a relationship to nourish.

My silly, amazing, beautiful girl

You, yes you, you need to hear this

One of my favorite words in the Bible is "beloved."  In the NASB it appears 109 times in 101 different verses.  It gives me a feeling of peace, of belonging, of being known.

"Beloved, now we are children of God, and it has not appeared as yet what we will be.  We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is."  1John 3:2

Not only will we see Him just as He is, but He sees us, you and me, right now.  And no matter who you are, where you've been, what you've done, He loves you so much; His heart aches for you beloved.

In the Holy Week leading up to His crucifiction, Jesus healed a woman who had been ill for 18 years because of a spirit of sickness.  She was bent over and, I would imagine, in pain.  When a synagogue official became upset because Jesus dared to heal on the Sabbath, I mean the nerve!  Jesus confronted the crowd and He called them out for their hypocrsy.  Then after that, after reminding them of their guilt, He said, "O Jerusalem Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those sent to her!  How often I wanted to gather your children together, just as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you would not have it!" Luke 13:34

He wanted to love them!  But they wouldn't have it.  Beloved, let Him love you.  I know that's harder than it sounds, beloved I know.  I have been angry; I have been lost; I have been alone.  I have crawled into my mental hole where no one could hurt me anymore.  I have wallowed in my own self-pity.

But oh my beloved, I have been loved; I have been forgiven; I have been redeemed.  No matter your story, no matter your bad choices, He wants to gather you you under His wings.  He wants to love you.  Please let Him.  Please let Him heal your hurts, bind your wounds.  Let Him into your hole so He can hold you until you're ready to come out.

Every cloud has a light ready to burst forth

I know it's hard.  I know how life interuppts all your good intentions.  I mean my word, all was quiet when I began to write this, however, I've been correcting children the. entire. time.  But belove, for God so loved the world, He gave us His Son.  Let Him love you, even if it's been 18 years.

Upside down thistles

So I had a post all lined out in my head about how horrible yesterday was and how God will be glorified in the horrible days and how being a mom in the midst of the mundane everyday is hard work.

Then I did the Bible study homework for a great group of women I meet with once a month and it was on pride.  Yep

It puts thing in perspective to read that, not only exalting yourself in the good is pride, but holding onto the bad is also pride.  How do you write about that?  How to say, yesterday, quite frankly, sucked but God's going to make it all better.  My spirit is still weary and if I hear one more time that God never said it was going to be easy, just that He would be there, I might scream.  I kid you not.

Upside down milk thistle, because I edited it on my computer to flip it, but it uploaded in it's original form.
Isn't that kinda the theme here? :-)

Sometimes I wish God didn't want to grow my character quite so much.

I love the Lord my God with all my heart, but sometimes I get angry with Him.  Can't it just be easy for a little while?  Instead of teaching me contentment, can't I just be content?  Why do I have to train and correct my children every. single. day.  I did all I'm "supposed" to do, why do things keep happening???

But beloved, that is pride.  I wish I had more answers than that, but I don't.  And even when I know the answers, God gave us a whole book of them, I don't want to hear it.  That too, is pride.

God gives grace to the humble, to the contrite, so, for now, I will hold onto that.  God works all things for good for those who love Him.