I broke my daughter's heart today

The title says it all: I broke my daughter's heart today.  I have no excuses

My older two kiddos were awarded scholarships to theater camp this week, at the community theater in the city close to us.  Today one of her teachers has a birthday and my 9-year-old, the Scientist as I started calling her on this blog many moons ago, wanted to make her a birthday card.  She folded a piece of computer paper in half and wrote 'happy birthday ___.'  On the inside she wrote who it was from, and then she was done.

She was so excited to show it to me as we got ready to leave this morning, and when she did I barely looked at it and said "all you did was write happy birthday on a piece of paper?"  Her face....her face...  I ripped her heart out ya'll.  I heart her as no other person could.  I am her mama, I should have praised her generous spirit thinking of someone else; instead I judged her work as not good enough and I hurt my baby.  This is a child that thrives on approval and I cruelly derided her effort.  Why???  Why did I do that???  I am so sorry baby, I am so sorry.

Paul writes somewhere in the new testament that he does what he hates, that which he does not want to do.  I think I can empathize.

I share this with you all to say, I don't know quite honestly.  Maybe to bring my sin to light so I can heal?  Either way, I have a daughter to repent to and a relationship to nourish.

My silly, amazing, beautiful girl

You, yes you, you need to hear this

One of my favorite words in the Bible is "beloved."  In the NASB it appears 109 times in 101 different verses.  It gives me a feeling of peace, of belonging, of being known.

"Beloved, now we are children of God, and it has not appeared as yet what we will be.  We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is."  1John 3:2

Not only will we see Him just as He is, but He sees us, you and me, right now.  And no matter who you are, where you've been, what you've done, He loves you so much; His heart aches for you beloved.

In the Holy Week leading up to His crucifiction, Jesus healed a woman who had been ill for 18 years because of a spirit of sickness.  She was bent over and, I would imagine, in pain.  When a synagogue official became upset because Jesus dared to heal on the Sabbath, I mean the nerve!  Jesus confronted the crowd and He called them out for their hypocrsy.  Then after that, after reminding them of their guilt, He said, "O Jerusalem Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those sent to her!  How often I wanted to gather your children together, just as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you would not have it!" Luke 13:34

He wanted to love them!  But they wouldn't have it.  Beloved, let Him love you.  I know that's harder than it sounds, beloved I know.  I have been angry; I have been lost; I have been alone.  I have crawled into my mental hole where no one could hurt me anymore.  I have wallowed in my own self-pity.

But oh my beloved, I have been loved; I have been forgiven; I have been redeemed.  No matter your story, no matter your bad choices, He wants to gather you you under His wings.  He wants to love you.  Please let Him.  Please let Him heal your hurts, bind your wounds.  Let Him into your hole so He can hold you until you're ready to come out.

Every cloud has a light ready to burst forth

I know it's hard.  I know how life interuppts all your good intentions.  I mean my word, all was quiet when I began to write this, however, I've been correcting children the. entire. time.  But belove, for God so loved the world, He gave us His Son.  Let Him love you, even if it's been 18 years.

Upside down thistles

So I had a post all lined out in my head about how horrible yesterday was and how God will be glorified in the horrible days and how being a mom in the midst of the mundane everyday is hard work.

Then I did the Bible study homework for a great group of women I meet with once a month and it was on pride.  Yep

It puts thing in perspective to read that, not only exalting yourself in the good is pride, but holding onto the bad is also pride.  How do you write about that?  How to say, yesterday, quite frankly, sucked but God's going to make it all better.  My spirit is still weary and if I hear one more time that God never said it was going to be easy, just that He would be there, I might scream.  I kid you not.

Upside down milk thistle, because I edited it on my computer to flip it, but it uploaded in it's original form.
Isn't that kinda the theme here? :-)

Sometimes I wish God didn't want to grow my character quite so much.

I love the Lord my God with all my heart, but sometimes I get angry with Him.  Can't it just be easy for a little while?  Instead of teaching me contentment, can't I just be content?  Why do I have to train and correct my children every. single. day.  I did all I'm "supposed" to do, why do things keep happening???

But beloved, that is pride.  I wish I had more answers than that, but I don't.  And even when I know the answers, God gave us a whole book of them, I don't want to hear it.  That too, is pride.

God gives grace to the humble, to the contrite, so, for now, I will hold onto that.  God works all things for good for those who love Him.

Who is this guy and who does He think He is?

Otherwise know as, gee thanks Jesus, I needed conviction for breakfast this morning.

This morning I read the story of the blind man in John 9; the one where, on the Sabbath, Jesus made mud with his spit and slapped on the guy's face, then told him to go wash it off.  (Kinda gives new meaning to, eh, throw some dirt on it, you'll be fine).  After this happens, the man's neighbors go and turn him into the Pharisees (thanks ya'll, I mean really...).  And of course the Pharisees want to know what happened, they drag the guys parents in to verify that their child was, in fact, blind at birth.  The parents answer yes, but they're so afraid of being kicked out of the synagogue they kind of throw their hands up and say, 'hey don't question us, ask our son, he's old enough to speak for himself.'

Don't we still do that to this day?  Believers, all of us, have at one point or another said, 'not me, not me, ask this person, they know!'  Think about it, we (myself very much included) are so afraid of rocking the boat sometimes that we miss out on the fact that Jesus just opened the eyes of our son, metaphorically speaking.

 Right now in our home we are fixing to begin planning for our new homeschool year and trying to decide whether or not to go in a new direction as far as our curriculum.  It's different from the mainly traditional stuff we have been doing, but it could be great.  It has the potential to force us out of our box.  I know this is probably insignificant in the grand scheme of things but it could be great. 

But it's different, in the same way Jesus is different.  And when the parents were paralyzed with fear, the son that had been blind answered the Pharisees, "Whether He is a sinner, I do not know; one thing I do know, that though I was blind, now I see." (John 9:25)  Then, after he was booted out of the synagogue, Jesus found him, don't miss that-Jesus found him, and asked if he believed in the Son of Man.  The blind man, that could now see said "Lord, I believe.' And he worshipped Him." v.35

Lord, I believe

Don't use your brother's brush to clean the bathtub

Being a parent is hard!!  I find myself saying things I never in my life thought I would say.  Things like, "No, you may not use your baby brother as a football."

"Quit licking the wall; quit licking your sister; quit licking the dog; quit licking the playground; quit licking me; FOR THE LOVE OF ALL QUIT LICKING YOUR SISTER!"  You get the picture...  Or things like, "don't call your sister shake a booty."
"Quit rolling your little brother and sister into burritos.  No they don't like it; that's why they're crying."
"Pull your pants up, no one wants to see your butt."
"Don't wipe your boogers on my face, your sister's face, your brother's face, et cetera."  I mean really?  In what social situation is it okay to wipe boogers on someone?!

I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have to have a serious conversation, with a child approaching 10, about why it is not appropriate to try to breastfeed.  Maybe bottle feeding gave her issues, who knows?  Or to watch that same child push their sister, sees you watch them push their sister, and still denies pushing their sister.

Also, the number of times I have to repeat myself is astounding,
"take out the trash."
"What?"
"Take out the trash."
"What?"
Grrrr....."TAKE OUT the trash!"
"Geez, I don't understand why you are so upset Mom; I'm taking out the trash."

My favorite is when they say, "I heard you the first time."  You know, after the third or fourth time.

See that face?  Yeah he's adorable, even when I barely made it to the bathroom in time to stop him from throwing a dictionary in the toilet.  He's also adorable when he's ripping out handfuls of his sister's hair, or when he's stomping his feet, screeching, because I won't let him stick forks in the dog's eye.  How on earth did this child even get a fork???

Don't get me wrong, I would not change one second of this life we have been called to.  But ya'll, it's hard.  There is probably a spiritual lesson to be learned in all of this; I mean, God has probably told us to quit licking things a time or two and we just didn't listen.  But right now?  Right now I'm not trying to hear all that; I just want a minute to breathe!  These kids are amazing and wonderful and so, so funny!!  But I'm exhausted!  

Until next time, don't use your brother's brush to clean the bathtub.

And Yet

In the Old Testament there are numerous examples of various nations (think Philistine, Ammorites, Moabites, etc.) that are confronted with the God of the Israelites, and become fearful.

See, word travels fast when you're hanging with the Guy that parts seas and sends plagues.  And yet, did they ever stop and think, hmm, maybe we're serving the wrong gods?  Even when they honored the God of the Israelites, they never forsook their own gods to follow Him.  King Darius even made a decree in Daniel chapter 6 that "all the dominion of my kingdom men are to fear and tremble before the God of Daniel; For He is the living God and enduring forever, And His kingdom is one which will not be destroyed, And His dominion will be forever." (v.26).  History tells us that the Median never brought the Hebrew faith to the world when they took over the Babylonian empire, why not?  The ancient peoples of the Middle East had seen God do great and wondrous things for His people; even when God took the hedge of protection away and let His people fail, there were still wondrous things going on that couldn't be denied.  And yet they still chose to follow idols.

Even in today's modern age, Christians bear witness the the Good News of the resurrection of Christ, and yet....  And yet, two words that can mean the difference between life and death.  I believe, and yet I follow the gods of this world when I choose the easy path.  When I choose to force my will because it's faster, more efficient.  And yet, God still calls.  And yet, God still loves.  And yet, God still lives.

Redemption is a beautiful thing.  Oh but for the grace of God, the Holy One of Israel.  One of the verses from the well known "Roman road to salvation" is Romans 6:23, "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."  You see beloved, God knows how messed up we are; He knows that we often fail and chase idols; and yet He loves us anyway.  The Creator God created you, created me, and He wants you back.  He just wants to love you.  My prayer is that you know that, and that you know Truth.

A New Ramble After a Long Absence

Hello, how have you been?  I hope you have been blessed.  In the three years since I last made a blog post (yikes!), Love bug became a full-blown toddler, and God added another busy little man to our family!  A blog post from three years ago came up in my Facebook memories, and as I read them I wondered, why did I stop when I just started?  I don't really have a reason really, but I do have a convoluted ramble.  When I was about 14 I remember hearing that a boy I liked though I was a really boring person.  Now, for context, I probably was to him because I am generally fairly quiet and reserved in person-I'm better on paper ;)

Fast forward to the adult me and there is still a great deal of trepidation when I encounter new people, new being people I haven't know for more than two years or so!  There is also a great deal of, who would want to read anything I wrote?  Now I say this not wanting to be full of self-pity, but to say to someone out there that, God loves you.  He chose you.  And even when you feel your most unlovable, even maybe downright despicable, He will never stop loving you. Growth is discovering who God made you to be, and being content in that.  Faith, in this area anyway, is trusting that God has a tribe out there just for you and He will provide.  In my reading this morning I came across this verse: "I, Paul, write this greeting with my own hand, and this is a distinguishing mark in every letter; this is the way I write."  2 Thessalonians 3:17

This is the way God created you to be, rejoice in love He has for you.  He is the light in the darkness, and even when you're own your knees in the pit of despair, He is with you.  He sees you and He's not angry or disappointed, He just wants to hold you.  The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all.